A Letter to My Husband on Our 1st Anniversary

My Dearest Toben,

You are my dream come true. I never knew that love and a relationship could be this rich. For years I would tell everyone that I wouldn’t settle and that is why I had never got married, but the truth is I settled in every relationship that came before you and I see that now. I have never felt more fiercely loved and protected than I do with you.

When we met all those years ago, I had no idea that God would one day bring us back together and allow us to fall in love and create a story of redemption. You have endured more pain and hurt than any one man should ever have to go through and yet you didn’t give up on life. You opened your heart and your life to love again and I’m the recipient of that love.

Not only have you opened your heart to me, you opened it to my entire family and accepted them as your own. The way you love and care for my parents, Sue, and Brendan is by far one of the most incredible gifts of your beautiful heart. But, you don’t stop there you love all of those that I love and that list is huge. I will never be able to thank you enough.

I know life and love isn’t perfect and we have plenty of our own struggles, but you don’t give up and you don’t walk away. More importantly to me is that you don’t let me walk away, you stay and make me fight through every struggle so we can together be stronger. Toben you make me laugh more than any man ever has and that is such a gift to my soul. You nurture my passions and want to see every one of my dreams come to fruition.

My prayer is that somehow I’m able to show you even a fraction of the love that you’ve shown me. That we will live out the rest of our lives loving, growing, and laughing together. I pray that we never forget the One that brought us together and that we continue to serve Him and His Church for the rest of our lives.

Toben you are the best of me and you see the best in me. I loved you from the moment we said goodbye in Chicago and I vow to love you every single day for the rest of my life. We truly are better together!

Happy 1st Anniversary Baby!

One Heck of a Week!

Jamie and I found ourselves at our favorite coffee shop this weekend when it dawned on us that two years ago to the day, we had been sitting in that same shop. In fact we were sitting at the same table! We were there to celebrate our engagement two years ago.  That got us talking about all that had happened over the last two years, especially as we contemplate our upcoming one year anniversary this weekend.

We realized that this was a crazy week a year back.  Jamie had left for Michigan.  Emma and I climbed in a rented Toyota 4-Runner and headed that way.  And there was so much to be done! So many activities.  But the anticipation was so rich! I just remember days flying by as we got our marriage license, had our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, as we checked out the barn and decorated, as everyone got dressed up and ready for that moment.  The “I do” moment.

Looking back, it is all a blur. I think even at the time it felt like we were operating at some sort of hyper-speed. One activity lead into another and into another.  Even in the days just after the pace was so fast.  The day after the wedding we had brunch and Jamie’s grandpa’s house before loading up the car an high-tailing it back to Colorado. And then back to work and back to life.

So this week I am looking backwards, remembering what I was doing on this day a year ago.  At this very moment I was driving across the boarder into Nebraska.  Emma and I were 4 hours into her 20 hour Spotify playlist. We were on our way! I am sure that many more of these memories will crop up over this week and I plan to treasure every one of them.

This weekend Jamie and I will head to Keystone to officially celebrate our year of marriage and I think so much of the conversation will be of this week and specifically the day we said our vows. And there are so many highs and lows to talk about from this last year.  Ad then there is a whole new year to look forward to.  I treasure it all.

So here’s to a heck of a week, spent a year ago, that ended int he very best way possible–with Jamie as my wife.

 

The 3 Things I Wanted In A Man

On one of our earliest phone calls Toben asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. I told him 1) someone who love God; 2) someone that loves their family; and 3) someone that has a job. He immediately started to make fun of me (that should have been a foreshadowing of things to come) and said I didn’t set my standards very high. I immediately got defensive (sadly this has become my defense mechanism and he is helping me work through that) and started explaining myself.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to find a man who sought after God’s heart like it was his job. (I believe it is our job for the record!) Coming from the family that I have there has literally not been anything outside of God himself that has been more important than loving your family. I’m ok with us disagreeing or even being totally frustrated with each other…but as a Hinojosa we defend each other with everything we have in us. That means no one else better every disrespect or hurt my people or feelings might get hurt. So finding a man that loved his family was very important to me.

My third requirement took a bit more explaining. The last relationship that I was in wasn’t a great one and financially almost ruined me because I wanted to give and do anything to make it work. Thankfully it didn’t and thankfully it didn’t ruin me either. But, I knew I didn’t want to be in the position of ever doing that to myself again and therefore my next guy needed a job. I’m sure that seems silly to some, but I settled for far too long in my life and I wasn’t willing to do it again.

Toben pushed me hard on that last one to really describe what I wanted and then kept pushing until I finally said it. I wanted to be treated like a queen. To this day I’m not sure I had ever verbalized these words. Those words and that concept never left him. I mean seriously, he proposed to me at a castle, he does our laundry, brings me coffee every single morning, and the list goes on. The heart that this man has to serve me is unlike anything I have ever witnessed, dreamed of, or prayed for.

I’d be a wealthy women if I was paid for the number of times I’ve said to him “I can do that” and his immediate replay is “A Queen doesn’t do that” or “it’s not about what you can or can’t do”. Today has been no exception. I have watch this man do everything under the sun today to give me a day of rest and relaxation, the way he serves our family is something that books should be written about. In my humble opinion, our world needs more men like my man! By no means are things between us perfect. Marriage is hard work, and I never knew what that actually meant until we got married, but what we have is exactly what God wrote for our lives. All of my years of doubt, of feeling forgotten and abandoned by God, and undeserving of a hot husband that loves God, loves his family, and has a job have been redeemed.

Toben is teaching me with every act of service, forgiveness, and understanding of my flaws that I am ok to be loved by him and by God!

We are simply Better Together!

Hard to Phase

This morning I had a conversation with a friend who was part of an intervention for a alcoholic family member.  Yesterday I talked to a friend who has struggled with addictions for years. I have talked to Jamie’s family this week as they have struggled with my mom-in law’s birthday without Tony.  I talked to another friend that is trying to figure out how to help parents of kids who are struggling with gender identity. I talk to Emma every day and am acutely aware of her struggles as she negotiates high school. And I walk daily with Jamie as she processes the loss of her brother.

All of these conversations happened this week. And not one of them felt hopeless to me. As I sit here and think about these hard conversations and these struggles I am struck with the reality that in every dark place there is hope. Addictions can be overcome. Mourning can lead to a deeper love for life. Families facing gender issues can find loving acceptance. And yes, even a high school kid can survive Junior year.

My hope doesn’t come from a long line of success stories. Quite the opposite it comes from many stories of being broken…and surviving. Addictions? Yep. Loss of loved ones? Indeed. Mental health challenges? Sure. Parenting through gender dysphoria? Been there.

But none of it has destroyed me. Beaten and bruised and knocked down, but never destroyed.  Which brings me to this point: there are some advantages to middle age. I am 47. I have seen a lot and done a lot. And I am pretty hard to phase these days. Very little surprises me.  Yes, I get hurt. And I experience disappointment but I’m rarely caught off-guard. I see brokenness in such a different way than I do in my 20s and 30s. Now I expect it whereas I used to do whatever I could to avoid it.

And as AA pounds into you: your strength comes from your story and how your own brokenness can give hope and strength to others. Maybe others of you have experienced this in some way–either trying to avoid pain or getting to a place of acceptance about the presence of pain in a broken world. Wherever you are today I pray that you will draw strength from the broken places.

When Your Mom is a Superhero!

This is my mom, her name is Brenda Kay Hinojosa (formerly known as Brenda Walker or 1 of the Walker twins), and I think she’s a superhero. Today is her 44th(ish) birthday and I don’t get to see her or hug her and that kinda stinks. But, I do get to tell you all about her and why she’s so amazing and let you wish her the happiest of days.

There are a lot of reasons that I think my momma is a superhero, but probably the biggest and most obvious to me is the way she cares and loves others. Her love language is “gifts” and if you know her this won’t be a shock. She love to find the perfect gift for us kids even if “it’s not on the market yet!” She gives of her time and energy making cookies, teaching ladies at church how to knit, having my grandpa over for dinner, or decorating the church for whatever sermon series is coming next. She gives with her whole heart and that is something to be treasured.

While her heart is absolutely huge, it’s been hurt and broken more times than any one person should have to endure. You see she has had to say goodbye to way too many people she loves in my lifetime. I’ve watched as she has said goodbye to both of her in-laws, her own mother (our GG), her brother-in-law, her incredibly beautiful twin sister Linda, and just recently her first born and only son. I would give anything to give her just one more day with each of them, but through each of these losses, I’ve seen the character that has built my mom.

Inevitably today will be hard for her. It will be hard for me as well. I hate with everything in me that I don’t get to be there to give her a hug and wish her happy birthday. Though tears may come for you today momma, my prayer is that so will the smiles and laughs from phone calls, visitors, text messages, and more. You deserve to be happy, to be celebrated, and to have reminders of how well you’ve loved others and are loved in return.

Each one of the pictures I posted above remind me of the great love and pride my superhero has for my brother and I. The ride you’ve shared with Dad, Tony and I hasn’t always been easy but you never once stopped loving us, stopped praying for us, or stopped believing in us. You prayed for my husband when I had given up. You prayed for Tony when he had given up. You loved and supported dad in sickness and in health. You may not always see or hear how much we love and appreciate you, but I want you to know we wouldn’t be who we are without you. Together we are better.

So mom when you read this and when you look at this picture, please hear me say I’m always going to be your baby girl. I’m proud  to be Brenda’s daughter. And I will always think of your arms as my safe place of rest. Momma you are my Superhero!