3 Years Too Long

3 years ago today you left us and there has not been a day that has gone by that we haven’t missed you. I mean how could we not, you were larger than life and you knew it. But 3 years is already too long and I’m not sure what that means or how we face year 4 or 5 or 20. You are my big brother and you were supposed to still be here.

I need you to know I forgive you for leaving us. That doesn’t mean I might not get mad at you on occasion (I am your lil seester after all), but I understand why you had to go. I’m glad you were there to meet dad, he needed to be with you.

Don’t worry about us, we all miss you but are doing everything we can to keep your memory alive and to honor your life. I even saw an eagle a couple weeks ago and I think that was exactly what I needed to know you’re ok. I hope you keep showing up in those random places for all of us, but mostly pray you keep showing up for B. He is so much like you…but cuter! 🙂

Until next time, rest easy Tony McQueen I love you and miss you every single day!

Everyone is an Expert

I think when Covid hit for many of us we didn’t take it as seriously as we should have. For those with doctors or nurses in their families they were hearing how bad it could get. Toben and I went to Mexico for a week in early February and I had made 2 different work trips in January. Even the week before our Mexico trip we talked about if we should go or not…we did and I don’t regret it at all.

Fast forward to March when we, along with our nephew took a trip to Washington to see Emma and the Coronavirus was in full swing. We felt like we were still safe to travel as long as we were careful. So I wiped down everything in the plane, the rental car, our hotel room, and even in restaurants. Thank goodness we did not get sick, especially since at that point Washington was a hot spot. But, I cam home from that trip on a Sunday and by Monday my doctor had let me know he did not want me in the office or going in public (thank you asthma and immune system). I was sent home and had to set up shop here.

The David C Cook building in my
sideview the last time I drove away from it.

It didn’t take long…like less than a week before my entire office shut down. At first it was 4-8 weeks, then til July, and last I heart it would be at least a year. So we all took turns going in and clearing out all of our things, that was not what I ever expected but it was our reality.

I have no idea when this global pandemic will end or how many more lives will be lost, but I just know I want to do my part. I don’t intend on being the expert on stopping the spread of Covid, I choose to believe science (not those arguing on social media), and I pray daily for families that have suffered loss like I have.

So we will continue to wash our hand, sanitize like crazy, social distance, and YES my family and I will continue to wear mask. In the past 7 months I’ve taught myself to sew…never saw that coming. Thankfully Toben bought me a great new machine Christmas of 2018 and it finally came out of the box. I’ve gotten to the point that I’m making and selling them to people everywhere and I love it. It gives me joy and gives me a purpose to know another family is doing their best to do their part.

Let’s end this pandemic together!

Why Covid Brought Me Back

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since either of us have come on here to write and yet I’m totally owning the fact that I didn’t want to write either.

This past year has not been a fun one. And before you say it’s been bad for most of the country or the world I get that and don’t deny it, but 2020 has been a year that I wish I could start over and make different choices. Maybe if I did they my dad would still be here.

The summer of 2019 we had to put my dad into a nursing home due to his Parkinson’s it was no longer safe for him to walk around my parents house. It was a year ago this month that I went to see him for the first time in that place and will never forget the sounds of his cry when I had to leave. He didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want him there. Thankfully I was able to see him again in December of 2019, but that was the last time I was able to put my arms around my sweet daddy.

Covid hit the world right before I was going to head back home for a visit and his nursing home like all of them went into lockdown and he didn’t get to have contact with anyone that loved him. Thank the good lord above for his iPad and FaceTime because that was our near daily way to communicate for months. Until he lost his life like over 200,000 other Americans lost their lives to his horrible virus.

I can’t go into details about those last days (it’s simply too hard), but they were horrible for him and for those of us that love him soo much. On May 14th my sweet & beautiful daddy breathed his last breath and went home. He was finally reunited with Jesus, his beloved son, his mom & dad, his baby brother, and so many others he desperately missed. But my mom and I are now all that is left of our family of 4.

Sometimes I feel like I’m still living in this twilight space of did that just really happen to me and is this my real life. In 2.5 years I lost my brother and my dad…no one should suffer loss like this.

Fast forward to August when I found out that I was 1 of 40 people that was being laid off due to workforce reduction “Covid strikes again”. I can’t say that I’m sorry about that (well not for me but for my coworker I am), that I was surprised (I had already opted to move to part-time), or that I was even sad. I’m sad about missing my team, they were family to me and most of them still are. I love them and if they are reading this I want them to know I love them, miss them, and pray for them often.

In the middle of all of this Toben started a new job with a new company that he loves. I’m just so dang proud of the work he’s doing there and the way his cares for his work, his team, and their mission. This transition has allowed me to be a stay-at-home wife. This feels like the first piece of normalcy I have felt as a wife since we got married. I think I always had this vision of what it would look like to be married and staying home was one of those things.

So here I am. I’m at home & ready to write again. Ready to begin dreaming & creating.

It’s Been Awhile

I stopped writing. I didn’t stop because I didn’t like it…I stopped because an incredibly hateful woman decided to send me a message about something she knows nothing about and wished horrible things to my family. I immediately wanted to call her and speak to her face to face. The reality is anything online like this gives cowards courage that they would never have any other way…and quite frankly she doesn’t deserve my time or energy so this the last time I will write about her. Anything hate filled will be reported and I will block them.

Now onto better things. Since we last wrote there has been so much that has happened for our families. Graduations, sickness, job changes, more family here, another anniversary, and more blessings than we deserve. The summer has flown by and yesterday I was hit with the reality that time is ticking away before Toben and I have to drop E off for school and leave her in the care of someone else. Don’t get me wrong if anyone will succeed and thrive at school it is her, but these past 3 years of being a family together simply weren’t enough.

For now I want to cherish every moment we have. Life is simply too short to have to live with regrets, I wan to irrationally pursue happiness, joy, love, and grace.

 

 

 

Good Friday and the Hope it Bring

I’ve grew up in a family that went to church and celebrated Easter, but at almost 43 the death of Jesus, His resurrection, my repentance, and my restoration mean more than it ever has. The simple fact is that when my brother died it brought the reality of death, of the resurrection, and of where we can each spend our eternities to light. So as I’ve been approaching this week there have been a number of things running through my head that I simply couldn’t just let go, so here I am writing it out.

• What is Good Friday?
• Was this day written from the beginning of time?
• Why didn’t God answer Jesus?
• Why was the veil torn?

Opening Day in the D!

Almost 3 years ago I moved to Colorado and that was the last time I got to attend an opening day with one of my best friends. So imagine my surprise in January when Kim called to see if I wanted to come to opening day and that she already had my ticket. Toben almost immediately said I had to make it happen…so here I am in the D!

This picture showed up on our timeline this week and it was only fitting that I pulled it out to celebrate the day (although it’s much colder today than it was the day we took this picture). I can’t begin to explain how important this woman has been in my life. The memories we’ve made, the life event we’ve share, and I’d do it all again just to do it together.

We met all those years ago over sangria and Mary Kay and quickly learned life was simply more fun when we did it together. Our friendship grew that much more when we found out we shared a lot of love for the Spartans, the Tigers, and the Red Wings.

The bonus was our friendship turning into family. Her family has taken me in and mine hers. At the end of the day no matter the miles that have come between us, nothing else has. Thanks for inviting me today Kimmy Kim, I love you and I’m soo excited to get this time with you and to make more memories together!!!

Go Tigers!!!

A Love That I Can’t Explain

I love my husband and would do almost anything under the sun for him, but it is in moments when I’m leaving without him or he without me that have been those moments when I’ve realized how big my love is for him. In the past I thought it was crazy if I heard someone say “I love them more each day”…blah blah blah that simply couldn’t be real. But, it is and I do. I don’t always show it the way he deserves but I do love him more than yesterday, but not as much as I’ll love him tomorrow.

I was given an incredible opportunity to fly back to Michigan and go to the Detroit Tiger’s   Opening Day with one of my best friends in the world. Toben was the one that pushed me to buy the ticket and convinced me that I couldn’t miss another home opener with Kim. I know he would have loved to come with us, but not one time did he ask me if I could find a ticket for him too. *I did offer by the way in case you’re reading this and thinking that I’m some cold hearted…

But, leaving his was extra hard this week because he’s been sick. Really sick. And while he’s on medicine and will get better there is this part of me that needs to be the one to help him. I cry every time we say goodbye at the airport, but when we were driving to the airport this time I cried on and off the entire way here (he didn’t know that). I realized how hard it is to see him sick, he’s always my rock and trust me that in the past 3 years I’ve needed a rock more times that I’d like to admit. His love and the love I have for him, is simply unexplainable to me.

 

Spring Break Fun

A few months ago Sue called and asked me what I would think of Brendan coming out Spring Break, of course I was beyond thrilled and agreed immediately. About a day later it dawned on me that I already planned to be in Michigan the first week of April and I wasn’t sure when his Spring Break was…of course his break was indeed the first week of April.

After trying to figure out how to make it work we decided to have B come out the Thursday before his break started and then fly back to Michigan with me. So the plan was in place and the arrangements were made.

Fast forward to last week when Sue and I were both a mess thinking about this kiddo flying alone for the first time. Sue was really the only one that deserved to be nervous after all he is her boy. I love that kid and worried about his safety, but I was beyond worried that I’d or the computer system would mess something up and that I wouldn’t get through security and he would be stuck at some gate in DIA and would hate me forever!

The great news is that everything went off perfectly. I picked him up and his Uncle Toben and I were ready to give B 5 incredible days with us. We made his favorite dinner, watched our Spartans make it to the Final Four, got some batting practice in, drove to the mountains, ate at O’Malley’s and soo much more. But, now we are at the airport getting ready to head to Michigan to spend the next 5 days with family and friends.

I’m not sure what I’ve done right in this world for God to bless me like He has, but I’ll take it. Leaving Brendan was one of the absolute hardest parts of leaving Michigan almost 3 years ago, but God knew my story was shifting and He has made our relationship even stronger with 1K miles between us.

So to B…thanks for coming to see your Tia. Thanks for still thinking I’m kinda cool, for wanting to snuggle and watch a movie at night, and for continuing to let me see what a real-life biblical size miracle looks like. To Sue, thanks for sacrificing yourself to share your incredible kid with Toben and I. We don’t take it lightly that you have entrusted him to us this week. We love you both soo much!!!

The Love of a Good Woman

I have low self confidence.  But that hasn’t always been the case.  I used to be confident.  In fact I was over-confident.  Arrogant to be exact.  But then a couple of relationships and the stuff of life beat that all out of me.  For the last 10 years my confidence has been shot.  I just assume that I will fail.  I assume that I’m not good enough, that I won’t measure up.

But all of that is changing.  After a decade of beat-downs, I have Jamie in my corner.  And she constantly surprises me with her encouragement and support.  Going through tough stuff now feels so different, but much like a dog who has been hit, I tend to flinch when the self doubt creeps in and I talk about it with her.  But without fail she is supportive of me, tells me that things are going to be alright and points out my negative self-talk.

I can’t tell you how good and right and healthy that feels.  I have been in sick situations that robbed me of so much. When Jamie builds me up, even when I am tearing myself down is like medicine.  I have to admit that I’m not always good about taking the medicine–my self doubt is pretty powerful. But I can feel things turning around.  And I like it!

The love of a good woman changes everything.

Anticipation

I am becoming aware of how much I need a sense of anticipation in my life.  I need something to look forward to.  I find that if something is parked out there in front of me it makes every day a little better. Sometimes it’s something big like a trip.  Sometimes it is something small like looking forward to a date night or to the weekend.

I am anticipating going to a concert with Emma in a few weeks.  I saw Saves the Day almost 20 years ago when the band members were still in high school.  The show was amazing! I remember it to this day.  I introduced Emma to the band a while back and she loved them.  So for Christmas she used her own money to buy us tickets to see them in Denver.  I am so pumped to see them again after all these years and to share this experience with Emma.

We have a family trip planned next month to visit Emma’s college of choice. While we are there Emma will be competing for a full ride scholarship.  I am excited to see the campus and where Emma will be living the next 4 years.  I am excited for Jamie to see it too.  And I am excited for Emma to have a shot at a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of education. I am so looking forward to this.

The thing I am most looking forward to is celebrating our second wedding anniversary! Jamie has made arrangements for us to head to Vail for a couple of nights. We have such fond memories of Vail–it was one of the fist places we got away to after Jamie moved to Colorado.  I can’t believe that we are already at two years.  I remember our wedding like it just happened. But the reality is that we have had some life together now and it just keeps getting better.  And honestly I can’t think of anything better then getting away to celebrate for a few days in a place we love so much.

Yes, there are other cool things out ahead of me.  Summer is coming which means weekends spent by the pool.  I love that. And we will head back to Michigan to celebrate Emma’s graduation with friends and family.  Emma will go off to college in the fall and we will celebrate that, even though we will miss her.  And then we will be empty nesters and a whole new chapter will open up for Jamie and I.

So much to look forward to!