Birthday Tribute to My Sister!

I wish I had a way to put into words what this woman means to me, our family, and this world. The reality is, there is nothing in my vocabulary to accurately describe her or honor her in the way she deserves. Today my sister and one of my best friends turns 40!

Of these 40 years, Sue and I have been friends and family for over 20 of those. As I sit back and let that since in I find myself in awe of how God orchestrated bringing our lives together!

I tried to go through the pictures of just us that I had on my phone and found myself smiling, remembering, and tearing up.  I had to throw out over half of those that I picked to make the collage, because I had too many. Each one represent a great memory of our lives together and I’m so thankful I can look back with so much fondness.

When I knew that my brother didn’t have much longer on earth I began to  worry how that would change the relationship I have with Sue…I was a fool to worry. The bond I have with my Suzie Q is stronger and more cemented with every passing year. When I met this hardly out of high school kid I knew she was special. I brought her to our family home, she thought my brother was hot, then she married him, had his kid, and saw him through the final chapter of his life. Sue isn’t a kid anymore.

Sue is a woman of noble character. Sue is a warrior. Sue is my sister and friend. She encourages others in the midst of her grief. She’s was an incredible wife to an incredible man. Sue is the mom of moms and there isn’t another woman that I would ever want to raise the best 10 year old I know.

So today join me -join us in wishing Sue a very Happy 40th Birthday! If you know her send her a birthday message. If you see her give her a hug from  her biggest fan this side of the Mississippi. If you don’t know her comment below and show her some love.  If you want to encourage and follow her journey check out her blog over at HinojosaStrong!

Susan Marie, I wish more than anything that you dance! I love you!!!

Black Friday…and Saturday…

On Thanksgiving I was bound and determined not to do any Black Friday shopping.  I just figured it would be crowded and stressful and patience-testing. But that morning I went to Lifetime and hung out in the hot tub and pool (a source of great relaxation for me) and by the time I got home I was feeling like I could handle a little shopping.  So Jamie and I loaded up and headed out.

I have to say that I was really surprised by the sales. I was under the impression that Black Friday was a gimmick to try to get consumers in stores, but that it was all hype. But seriously we were able to get a lot of our shopping done and got some killer deals. In fact, we are probably 75% done with our gift getting.  And I’m so excited about the gifts we have to give.  This is gonna be a Christmas to remember.

Even in the midst of our shopping there was still sadness as we thought about this being the first Christmas without Tony.   You wouldn’t expect to have those emotions sneak up on you but right there in the middle of Kohl’s there were tears as Jamie thought about how different Christmas would be for Brendan and Sue this year.  We are going to do our best to make it a great Christmas for the both of them, but regardless, it’ll be a mixed blessing.

I suppose the next year will be hard for the family as there will be a lot of “firsts.” And even after that I think the sadness will crop up from time to time.  I have never really dealt with grief (my own or others that I am close to) which makes me feel fortunate, but as I watch Jamie and her family process this loss I am reminded of the human capacity for sorrow and strength, and the blending of the two.

In spite of this, I am full of anticipation for this Christmas.  It is our first as a married couple–that makes is special in its own right.  I am looking forward to giving gifts and fires in the fireplace and a few days off of work.  I am looking forward to good food an hanging out with friends and family.  I can honestly say that I am ready for the end of this year and the beginning of the next.  I am ready for the fresh start that the new year brings.

As for the next month, I plan to relish it, to enjoy every moment, and to celebrate big.

The Tree!

Believe it or not, we set up the tree today.  We didn’t really plan to put it up until next weekend, but we had a little time on our hands this morning and it just seemed like the right thing to do.  So I dragged the pieces and parts upstairs and Emma put the whole thing together.  Then the moment of truth: Jamie flipped the switch and all the lights came on.  Thank you Jesus! My least favorite thing about Christmas in the past has been figuring out why that one string of lights won’t turn on.  Not this year.  Crisis averted.

And I started Christmas shopping this weekend.  I know there are those of you out there that started shopping months ago.  Not me.  But I got the ball rolling and packages should start arriving next week. Feels so good to get going! Emma has been putting together her Christmas list too. Looking forward to picking out just the right gifts over the next month.

Jamie and I did the Thanksgiving shopping last night. We waited until the evening to go in hopes that the store would be a little less crazy.  And I think it was. The craziest thing was that we got our 20 pound turkey for…$6.49! I’m not even sure how that is possible but it was down to something like 35 cents a pound.  I am half tempted to go buy a few more turkeys for the freezer!  We are definitely planing on picking up another couple to donate too.

I am so looking forward to this week, to this Thanksgiving.  We are having friends over and plan to have enough food to feed a small army.

I have been especially tuned in to all that I am thankful for. I am sure that as I roll into this week, even more things will come to mind, but I honestly can’t remember a time that I have had so much to be thankful about. Next post I’ll unpack all that, but I can say that I am most thankful this year for all the God has redeemed in my life. So much had been lost over the last years, but this year God has just poured out so much blessing. I’ve never experienced anything like it in the last 47 years.

So yeah, the next post I’ll tell you everything that I am thankful for. But for right now I am thankful for the tree!

 

Finding Rest

Grieving someone you love…someone you share your DNA with is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Today marks 4 weeks since Tony passed away, and this week I have found myself full of anger that he’s gone. I constantly ask myself, how I would change this if I could and the answer is –either Tony never got cancer to start with or nothing is changed. I hated seeing him suffer. I would be lying to myself  if I didn’t see the good that has come from this journey Tony was on. People are meeting Jesus, talking about Jesus, and sharing Jesus so how can that be a bad thing?

And yet in spite of the goodness that is coming from my brother’s death, I’m finding myself so sad and angry. I don’t know how to express my emotions. I’m thankful I found a faith-based counselor to walk with me on this journey, and hopefully she can help me put words to my emotions. Hopefully she can help me heal. I kinda hate that I don’t feel strong right now. That has always been my role in my family. The truth is I want to be strong for my incredible sister-in-law, for my nephew, and my parents but right now I think I’m failing them.

In the midst of all of this there is something I can’t deny and hands down one of the things I’m most thankful for. His name is Toben, and I’m so lucky that I get to be married to him. Having my husband walk this painful journey with me, knowing my brother loved and trusted Toben, and learning to accept that I’m not in this alone. Toben is steady. He loves me without any doubt and is open and ready to listen to me, hold me, or sit with me in my silence. Almost every night this week I’ve found myself in tears. I have sat in my own thoughts and struggled with being able to verbalize to anyone what I was feeling. But, last night while we were sleeping at some point I took his hand and when I woke up we were holding hands.

Even in my sleep I found comfort in this man that I love—in my gift from God! Toben, I hope I get to hold your hand for the rest of my life, you are my safe place!

On Your Mark…

It’s almost here. The Christmas season! I was reminded of that when Jamie turned on the radio and  they were playing Christmas songs. A lot of Christmas songs.  And then we went to Target and they had Christmas stuff everywhere, including ugly Christmas sweaters and footie pajamas.  And when I turned on the TV tonight when we got home, guess what cam on? The Hallmark Channel, playing Christmas movies.  I get the picture: it’s almost Christmas season!

I am so looking forward to this one. First of all I have a great list of the gifts I want to give.  Some Christmases it is a totally guessing game, and the money wasn’t there to give the ones I really wanted to give. But this year is different. I have paid close attention to the things Jamie and the kids have shown interest in.  As a result I know exactly what I am going to get for each of them.  And I might throw in a surprise or two.

I’m also excited to set up the Christmas tree. This is a first for me.  Usually it is a job I dread, but for whatever reason this year I am looking forward to it.  Might even set it up next weekend to get a jump on things.

The main thing I want to convey is that I am looking forward to these holidays more than any I can remember. We have friends and family to celebrate with . We have a great home with a great fireplace and a garage full of firewood.  We have a full pantry , freezer fully stocked, and friends & family to share meals with.

And will be able to give many fun and meaningful gifts to those I love the most.  After some very lean years,  God has blessed Jamie and I in amazing ways so instead of the holidays being a pressure and a source for worry and disappointment, all I have this year is excitement and thankfulness.

Seriously, I was waking up this morning thinking about how far we have come since last year.  And certainly from years ago.  It continues to be a story of redemption, in every way–what was lost is back and so much better than I could have hoped for.  Blessed, blessed, blessed!

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves: Thanksgiving is up next.  Last year we were in Michigan and had a feast at Jamie’s grandpa’s house.  There were a ton of us there.  This year we are staying in Colorado and celebrating with a few friends.  I am excited for us to have our first Thanksgiving as a married couple in our home. I’ll definitely miss the crowd from last year, but this year will hold its own special moments.

So, on your mark, get ready, get set…

 

Childhood Dreams Can Come True!

When I was a little girl all I ever wanted to be when I grew-up was a wife and a mom. Somewhere in my early 20’s I moved from this 1950’s dream of being a stay at home wife with 2.5 kids to someone that suddenly cared about a career and education.

So at 30 I had finished college (seriously wish I would have gotten serious about my education earlier), bought my 1st house, and started working for myself doing marketing in urban youth ministry. It was around this time that I made a huge professional shift into public education and decided to pursue a masters. Suddenly, I found myself in my mid 30’s not married and not a mom. Somewhere along the way I forgot about that childhood dream.

So, when Toben and I fell in love I was 40 years old and he was 45. He had 2 older kids that he was raising alone, we were getting older, and the fact that he’s already raised kids I think I kinda just knew that my chance at being a mom wouldn’t happen. Realistically, I knew I would be a step-mom, but I wasn’t sure how or if that would fill this empty hole in my heart. Don’t get me wrong I was beyond thrilled to marry my best friend and fulfill 1/2 of my dream, but what about the other 1/2? What if the kids and I never connected?

But, what happened or should I say what is happening still has been more than I could have ever dreamed of. Toben’s youngest is still in school so she and I get to spend a lot of time together and we have been able to create a mother & daughter bond that is beautiful and sacred. I know that I’m not her “mom”, I didn’t raise her, didn’t give birth to her, I didn’t adopt her, but what has happened is how we have helped each other. I’d like to think that we both have helped to fill the holes we both had from our past. And while I’ve known that I loved her for a long-time, it has been some recent events when my inner momma bear has came out that made me realized, she made me a mom. I would lay my life down for her before I let someone hurt her. She did fill that emptiness that I’ve carried for years. I see now that I didn’t need to have had all of those traditional roles from her past to fulfill the other half of my dreams, but that I need to be in this space with her from this point forward. I love her and we are in this together.

So to this amazing girl (We won’t name, share pictures of, or ever give personal details on this blog so that we can respect her privacy) I want you to know I love you, I’m here for you, and nothing and no one will ever be able to change the way I feel about you. Thank you for loving me back and for making the rest of my childhood dreams come true!

 

 

Tis the Season…Almost.

In a couple of hours I’ll pick up Jamie at the airport. She has had an amazing weekend with family and friends and with the MSU Spartan family.  From the pictures and our conversations I know that it was a pretty special time for all of them.  I am beyond thankful for the care and attention they were shown.

And now we roll into fall. Sort of feels like we have something of a blank slate ahead of us.  With all that has happened over the last month we haven’t talked about plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas. So weird to be just weeks away from the holidays with no plans–that’s not really like us.

So without specifics, here are some hopes:

I hope we get to invest in relationships.  It is easy to stay active, even busy through the holidays, but I am hoping for some time to go deeper with those who mean the most to us.  I hope we get to celebrate this season with people that we love.

I have always loved Thanksgiving dinner, and I am hoping for a big one this year. Doesn’t matter much to me where we are or who were with but I want to put the hurt on some turkey.

I am looking forward to getting the Christmas tree up and decorated, but I can tell you that I get the cold sweats when I think about plugging in the lights and praying that they all work! Christmas tree lights are my nemesis!

As this is a season for giving I am really looking forward to putting a few things under the tree for those that I love the most. I am making lists, doing research on line, and looking forward to surprised faces Christmas morning.

I look forward to a few days off.  Work has been crazy busy for months now, and I love what I do, but I am really looking forward to sitting around the fire and watching football or Jamie’s favorite: Hallmark Christmas movies.

I am looking forward to seeing the lights around the lake at the Broadmoor. Seriously one of the most impressive displays of Christmas lights you’ll ever see.  Millions of lights!

But most of all, I am looking forward to making memories.  This will be Jamie’s and my first holiday season together as a married couple so we don’t really have traditions yet.  I am looking forward to beginning some together. At the end of the day, everything above could come to pass…or just pass. But being with the one I love the most will make it a great season to remember. Can’t wait to see what’s in store.

When Grief Becomes a Gift

2 weeks and 2 days. It’s hard to believe that I’m sitting in his house and he isn’t here. Well he is, but not in the way I wish he was. Every previous visit between September 2016 and September 2017 involved me going upstairs to check on him and make sure he was ok. To give him space and let him rest. But, he doesn’t need a nagging little sister to check on him anymore, but this little sister still need him.

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward, everyone else around me is moving forward. My sister-in-law is being forced to learn what her new normal looks like, she didn’t sign-up for this! Yet she walks tall and makes us proud. Literally from the day we heard “stage 4 esophageal cancer”, I have watched her grow in strength and faith instead of the alternative. I made a decision that day to follow her lead. I knew if Sue could survive this battle then so can I. So we are moving on as a family, but we are moving on with Tony with us.

This weekend we will head to East Lansing to meet and cheer on our beloved Spartans for the very first time without him. This feels huge in so many ways –both good and bad.

Grief isn’t easy. Grief is certanily not fun. But, I’m choosing to look at my grief as a gift. It is a gift that is teaching me about the faithfulness in who God is. Grief is teaching me to embrace every moment, every person, and making my wrongs right. It is teaching me to love and appreciate my precious husband more. We’ve had so many people tell us how my brother, his wife, and even myself have inspired them by our faith as Tony fought this battle. Once I knew his days were numbered and even after he went home I knew that I had to make a choice to not give up. I knew that if I let my faith fail now then all that had come before these moments would be in vain. I just won’t do that to myself, to my God, to Tony’s family, or any of our friends. At the end of the day I’m kinda jealous that he’s with Jesus living it up!

#HinojosaStrong