Christmas in Michigan

As I write this we are 1/2 way back from our journey to Michigan to be with my family. For years my brother and his family, our parents, and myself took turns hosting everyone. We would all stay the night at each other’s house and wake-up Christmas morning ready to share gifts, laughs, and food. I’ve not been able to do that for the past 2 Christmas’ and it’s been tough. I mean I’ve gone back both years, but it’s simply not the same.

So this year we made the decision we were going to spend Christmas in Michigan. It also meant we had to do Christmas with Toben’s family a week early, thankfully they understood and love us enough and made that happen. They are now off on their own adventure, but it means we won’t see them for awhile, I’m just glad we have FaceTime!

A few things have happened since I was last in Michigan for our family, the biggest change has been with my dads health. Does he still struggle a bit? Of course, but if you know or read any of the post I’ve made about him -it is literally night and day difference. I mean my gently giant of a father is speaking louder and more clearly than I’ve heard him in years. He’s walking taller, stronger, and with more courage and strength than I’ve seen in years. He has his smile back again…he DANCED with my momma on Christmas Eve. It might have something to do the fact we were watching Selina!

But  as my sister-in-law so tenderly put it, we were missing someone at the table again this year. I can’t believe it’s our 2nd Christmas without him. I look at Sue and Brendan and see in their eyes how much they wish he was next to them. I watch my parents and know they are missing a part of their soul. My family is still hurting…we are still grieving and there is nothing  anyone can do to fix it. Hell I still find myself in disbelief that he is actually gone. I mean Tony is my big brother, he was supposed to look out for me, he was only 43…he was too young. And we deeply miss him being with us.

Part of the beauty in being home this past week was saying his name out loud. I love hearing “Tony” this or “Dad” that, I simply love talking about him. Remembering him and remembering how much he loved his family!

So, here I am in this hotel room and can’t help but think back on this past week and finding myself smiling, crying, wishing I was back “home”, wishing I was already home, but trying to savor each of these moments of life.

Choosing to Heal

365 days ago my brother and one of the incredible humans took his final breath. Every moment since then I have fought against grief, anger, questioning, and loss. Today, I’m choosing to allow the healing to begin.

The day Tony won his victory is forever etched into my mind and soul, there are days that I’d give anything to erase those memories, but the reality is that we saw something that was beautiful and just short of what we will experience when we meet our Savior. On that last day of his life here on earth Tony was unconscious and yet having conversations with someone. We jokes that he was talking to our Auntie Lynn and she welcomed him into heaven. But, I believe with my entire being that he was indeed being ushered in to meet his Father.

I know that he was sad to leave Sue, Brendan, our parents, myself, and so many others…but he wasn’t scared. HE WAS READY! I wasn’t, I’m still not but I’m ready to not live each day with this cloud of sadness that has followed me. You see Tony and I may have shared DNA but that seems pretty small in comparison to the fact we both made decision to serve the one and only God. He created us in His image and will one day reconcile this world and I will get to sing His praises for all of my days…right along with my precious brother!

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things^[a] have passed away.” Revelations 21:4

One of the men that spoke at Tony’s going home celebration said something that hit me in the gut, it was where I was living and I’ve repeated it many times over the past year “It is well with my soul, but not with my heart”. I’ll never be ok with Tony not being here, but I’m ready for my heart to be well again. I know I will still look into the eyes of his bride, his son, or our parents and cry for no reason…but tears aren’t bad and I will continue to let each one drop and know healing comes with each one.

“https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/5t0izTLPeWYLiIfHPJbORJ“>It Is Well“

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

Remembering Tony

As I write this I’m headed “home” to start the celebration of my brothers life as we approach the 1st anniversary of his victory over cancer and death. We are looking forward to having our 2nd annual Hinojosa Strong kayak trip. This time last year we all came together to fulfill one of Tony’s final request. It was a beautiful and sacred time together and worth every tear, every laugh, and every memory we made with him.

This year we will do this…but without Tony next to us.

I head there with so many mixed emotions. I don’t want to leave Toben and Emma for a full week, but I wouldn’t miss this week with my family for anything in the world. The timing of all of this is simply hard. Toben just got back from an incredible trip with his dad. I’m still recovering from surgery and still not sure if I can push through the pain to get into the water with the best family in the world. But, I get to stand side-by-side with Sue as we love, pour into, and celebrate Brendan’s 11th Birthday. 

I promised Tony last September that I will never let Sue do this alone and that I would be there for his son for the rest of my life. I intend on living out that promise.

Of course the rest of the week full of meetings, meeting with 4 different children ministry pastors, spending time with my mom and dad (again another major highlight of my week), and will end with a Tigers game. Unfortunately, my dad won’t be able to go with me and this will be the first year in more years than I can remember we won’t make our annual fathers/daughters trip, but I know we will have other adventures together. In fact I’m already planning a fun adventure for us at Christmas. 

No matter what other “things” I fill my day with through the next 7 days, underneath it all will be my brother. The bittersweet feelings of walking in and out of his house, spending time with his bride and son, and with our parents will be at the forefront of each day. 

I hate cancer. I hate that every trip to Grand Rapids reminds me of his death. I hate that my brother doesn’t answer his phone. I hate that we all have a hole that his life left.

But, there are so many more things that I love. I love that Tony McQueen beat cancer! I love that I have a place to go home to that Tony loved. I love that I can talk to him without a phone now. I love that the hole he left meant that he was here! No matter how much time passes I will never get over his death and I don’t want to. It reminds me of the greatness of God and how he is where I long to be one day. 

Tony you are missed terribly, I hope you know how much we love you and that we will continue to tell your stories, share your love, and live life in a way that would make you proud!!!

Just When You Think It Can’t Get Any Worse…It Does

I want to smile and I want to tell everyone that I’m ok. But, I’m not ok. In the past 2 years my brother found out he had stage 4 cancer that ultimately took his life. I moved 1/2 a country away to be with and marry Toben (the only shining part of these 2 years). And my dads health has been in a rapid spiral down for the greater portion of those 2 years. I’ve watched cancer and Parkinson’s take more from these 2 men that I love soo much that I can hardly breathe at times.

In the past 2 weeks my dad had been in a decline that my mind simply can’t fathom. His doctor refuses to even attempt to help him and the medical system is proving once again how broken it is. Thankfully he has an appt in 6 days with a new neurologist and I’m just praying for a glimmer of hope. I’m praying for strength for my mom as she is forced to makes really hard decisions about his long-term care.

But, I’m also angry that we still don’t have cures. I’m angry that our elderly still aren’t cared for in a way that honors and respects them as humans. I’m angry that I can’t call my brother to get his advice on what to do. In all of this anger I won’t let it define me. I will keep fighting. I will keep advocating for both of my parents.

And yes, while this very bad and cause my heart such incredible pain it’s not over. I still have God who loves me. I still believe God is writing my story as much as He is writing my dad and my moms story. I believe the coming days and weeks will be full of tears, crying out, and love and while I’m not ready for any of that I will do what I need to do in order to make sure my family is cared for and loved.

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for our family and please continue to lift us up.

I Still Believe…

Do you ever have those days when you’re in between wanting to cry until your dehydrated, sleep for hours in hopes you can wake up in a better place emotionally, or drive until your lost to take your mind off of life? That’s me today. Not for any particular reason, just one of those days that my emotions has taken over my everything.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and I’m so looking forward to going to our church and hearing Josh. Woodmen Valley has so far been a great church home for Toben and I, but this will be our first Easter as a married couple and our first at Woodmen. Needless to say I’m excited to celebrate the resurrection and the promises we are given because of it, but also excited to see how Josh presents it.

Tomorrow is also a reminder that I won’t be with the Hinojosa side of my family. Everything is so different now in my life that sometimes I catch myself holding my breath and praying with each exhale that I can go back to the way it use to be. But, that isn’t my story…it’s not any of our stories. My parents will be home alone tomorrow after my mom goes to church, Sue & B will spend times with those that are as close to family as it comes, and my Tia & Tio will have a BBQ and there will be friends and family alike inside and out laughing and enjoying life. For years all of these things were done together. I wish then I would have known how precious and sacred they would become.

I yearn for those moments that feel familiar to me again. I yearn for moments that I stop holding my breath and can take in all that is in front of me and all that God has blessed me with. I yearn for the season of not waiting for another loss, sickness, or heartbreak. Life is different now and I have to find my place in this world that I can be ok with that.

I still believe that God called me to move here, to marry Toben, and become part of a blended family with the kids. I still 100% believe all of these things happened because God has made them part of my story. I still believe that God walked along side my brother from the moment he entered the womb until he entered His arms. I still believe that the same God who created the this universe, who gave Moses the power to part the sea, who placed a baby in Elizabeth’s arm, and who defeated death is the same God that is collecting my tears at this very moment I’m writing. I believe He is the same God who wrote my story and has given me a passion for the Gospel and seeing it lived out in my life and in the lives of all His children. I believe He is the one who will carrying me through my grief, my sadness of missing my family, and my life with my own family.

For now, I will go meet one of my girlfriends for some “us” time. Toben and I will figure out what tomorrow will look like after church and I’m sure we will plan something fun. I don’t care if we just grill up some yummy food and watch tv all day. As long as we are together I know I’ll be ok..I know I will be safe.

Until then I will exhale and loudly exclaim He Is Risen!

Grief Can’t Be Measured By Time

That saying “time heals all wounds” might be one of the biggest lies shared in our society. It’s been 108 days since we watched my brother breathe his last breath and transition into his heavenly home. On the 18th of this month it will be 4 months and somehow this past week has been one of the worst I’ve experienced in these 108 days. Without talking about it or sharing it until yesterday I found out that Sue (Tony’s wife and one of my best friends), my nephew, and my mom have all had similar experiences.

Is it timing issue? I don’t know, but I don’t really believe in coincidences especially when it comes to something that I trust God is control of. I’ve experienced death of loved ones and friends in the past -probably more than I can even explain, but not a single one of those losses prepared me for a grief that tears at my heart the way Tony’s death has.

This doesn’t mean I will never be ok again, but it does mean that weeks like this one I will break down for absolutely no reason. If you ask me how I’m doing, please be prepared to hear a raw and truthful answer. For the past 6 months, I’ve lost my ability to be surface with anyone. Don’t get me wrong I won’t lose it and cry on everyone’s shoulder, but if I’m not good I’m ok with actually saying that.

As my friend Pastor Jerry Bishop said at my brothers memorial “It is well with my soul, but not with my heart”.

Christmas Eve -the Joy and Pain

It’s my 2nd Christmas Eve not with my family in Michigan, but it’s my 1st Christmas Eve with my husband and family. For the past 16 months I’ve walked this line between being incredibly happy about where God has brought me -I have a husband & partner in crime, step-kids, in-laws, great job, and great friends. But, I also miss family gatherings back home, hugs from my family (too many to count), weekend trips to my parents or sisters house, date nights with Brendan, Lil Man’s baseball games…the list could go on and on but.

This year thought it’s beyond different, beyond hard and beyond anything I thought my heart could handle. I’m missing my brother. I cry all the time. I get so sad that often my sadness turns to anger and hurt and I hate that. Tony would hate that about me. I often find myself in the place of juxtaposing the joy and sadness and none of it makes sense to me.

Even through all of this my family make sure to show me grace, they show patience towards me, and they pick up the pieces of life that I can’t muster through some days. Yesterday and today was one of those days. Last night I just couldn’t function well, my family was gathering back home and while I was beyond thankful they were together, I just couldn’t help but go down a dark path and feel sorry for myself. I shut down and lost it. No one deserves that…much less to be on the receiving end of it. Last night Toben encouraged me to go to bed, put the day to rest and wait for morning. He’s usually right unless he’s reading this, then I deny that I actually wrote this post! 🙂

I woke this morning earlier than I would have liked to, but I got up and got my day started. After some time in the kitchen and in my Bible it was time to get ready for church. Service was amazing and packed and I couldn’t make it through the singing of Silent Night. Of course God is a God that likes to laugh so when Toben’s candle blew out at the same moment we were told to look at them and remember how loved we are I had to laugh. To be honest that probably would have been enough to for me to smile and enjoy my day, but God wasn’t done.

We walked into the house only to find the kitchen and dining room full of baked goods. I mean full! Emma in her very own way was showing me this incredible gift of love, by taking care of something I wanted to get done but simply didn’t have in me to do this weekend. Now my kitchen is clean, she is resting, and my husband is snoring I’m able to look around and find more reasons to smile again.

None of this replaces those back home that I miss more than I can even express, but it gives me hope. Hope that tonight while I’m enjoying dinner with my in-laws that I will see all of the goodness in a precious family that choose to love me as their own. Hope that tomorrow I will wake with renewed hope and a smile as I watch my family (the one I use to dream about) enjoy the gifts that were specifically picked for them, the fire that will be roaring all day, and a meal that will be made with love.

Merry Christmas! May the God of the universe who is desperate to know and love you, fill you with joy and thankfulness in this season of Advent!

2 Months Since My Reality Was Altered

It’s almost too hard for my mind to believe that you’ve already been gone for two months. I mean how could so much life have passed me by since I last heard your voice, felt your hug, or held your hand? Anthony Andrew I hope you know how deeply you are missed and desperately you are loved!

For 17 months I heard people all around me tell me how sorry they were to hear about your illness, or how thankful they were for your faith in why God was allowing this, but the reality is I just wanted you to not be sick anymore. It wasn’t that I didn’t then or don’t know believe that God is using your illness and death for something amazing, but those sentiments did little to easy the enormous pain that is left by your death.

It wasn’t until last week when I walked through the doors of our church for the 1st time since before you passed that I realized how much I’ve been running. Tony I trust where you are and look forward to the day I get to wrap my arms tight around you. I’m incredibly thankful for the lives that are being changed because of the choice you made to run after Jesus. But, I’ve been pretty honest with God about this in the past week and need to make sure you know as well…I haven’t trusted God with my grief. McQueen I know you wouldn’t trade anything to leave glory but it’s sure hard without you.

Thankfully even in my doubt, God is doing great works in my life. He continues to be faithful even when I can not be. And while life isn’t as fun or as full as it once was, I know it will be again someday. I miss you, I love you, I’m thankful you are healed, and I’m beyond thankful that God picked me of all the bratty little sisters in the world to be yours!

 

What cancer can’t have

It’s been 15,128 days since my brother and I met. I’m sure he didn’t want really want this new “thing” invading his space, but I’m guessing he got pretty use to me after he realized my parents weren’t sending me back. Of course I don’t remember those early days, but I do have these incredible memories of him from as early as 2 years old.

There was one day that I asked him to drag me through our yard by my arms so I could get grass stains on my jeans…it didn’t work. To the time he got in a fight with a neighbor boy for hitting me too hard during backyard football. I remember in that moment I knew I had this protector, a hero! That particular day was another drama filled day of tears, my brother protecting me, and did I mention drama? Until, we got home and my mom freaked out because I had a fat lip. Every tear stopped and I turned to look at Tony and full of pride announced “I finally got a fat lip”. I love being a tomboy growing up in our little town, because that meant I got to spend all kinds of time with the best brother God could have ever given me.

I think that is why this long and painful goodbye as cancer takes over his body has been so incredibly hard. Tony has been my everything of so much of my life that I can’t imagine walking this earth without him. And I’m not alone. The stories that have come from the lives he has touch are more than I can count. I think behind all of this that is the way God intended his life to be lived out.

One of the last things Tony asked me to do was make sure his testimony was shared, so when the dust settles and the time is right I will be sharing one of the most sacred and beautiful pieces of my big brothers life. It’s what led him to find his faith, his wife, and desire to be a great father to his son.

Earlier this year I got to marry my best friend. That was the day he kinda handed me over to my next hero. He trust Toben and that is priceless. And God gave me Toben at a time I didn’t know I would need him as much as I do. The wedding was a dream come true and to know my brother was such a big part of it meant everything to me. All the days leading up to our wedding, more than anything else I wanted our family and friends to come together to celebrate with us and simply have fun. Tony had fun and I get to keep that memory all the days of my life.

 

 

Anthony Andrew “McQueen” I hope in your final days on this earth you rest well, you deserve it! We will miss you, but we will stay #HinojosaStrong because we are familia. I refused to say goodbye these past few months and won’t start today. I love you always and forever!

 

Peace and sadness

People keep asking me how I’m doing or how am I managing to keep things together while my brother is fighting for every day of his life.

Here is the truth..I’m living for today, not tomorrow or even the next day. I’m living for today because Tony is living for today. But more than anything I’ve come to understand that this is not about me. It’s not even about him. This is about how we let God move in this horrible season of sadness and beyond.

If there is only one thing I could share, about this time and experience with my brother, it would be that God Redeems! People are coming to know our God, because of the testimony that Tony and Sue have shared. People around this world are praying (some for the first time ever) because of the love and compassion they have for our family.

But, please know this is not easy. There are many many tears. There is a sadness like I have never experienced. There are questions I will never have answers for. There will be a day I have to walk this earth without my very first friend. And there is a great and amazing story that is being told because of it.So back to the original question, how am I doing? It depends on the day, the moment, and sometimes the person that I am with. There are tears and there is laughter. More than anything else there is a peace that sits with my sadness and one that I can not explain. Please keep praying for us, praying for my beautiful brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. Pray for my parents who hurt in their very own and tragic way. Pray for our families, the friends, and the many people that love us. Lastly, please pray for the lives that will come to know Jesus, because my brother is living out his days celebrating life and celebrating Jesus!