A Love That I Can’t Explain

I love my husband and would do almost anything under the sun for him, but it is in moments when I’m leaving without him or he without me that have been those moments when I’ve realized how big my love is for him. In the past I thought it was crazy if I heard someone say “I love them more each day”…blah blah blah that simply couldn’t be real. But, it is and I do. I don’t always show it the way he deserves but I do love him more than yesterday, but not as much as I’ll love him tomorrow.

I was given an incredible opportunity to fly back to Michigan and go to the Detroit Tiger’s   Opening Day with one of my best friends in the world. Toben was the one that pushed me to buy the ticket and convinced me that I couldn’t miss another home opener with Kim. I know he would have loved to come with us, but not one time did he ask me if I could find a ticket for him too. *I did offer by the way in case you’re reading this and thinking that I’m some cold hearted…

But, leaving his was extra hard this week because he’s been sick. Really sick. And while he’s on medicine and will get better there is this part of me that needs to be the one to help him. I cry every time we say goodbye at the airport, but when we were driving to the airport this time I cried on and off the entire way here (he didn’t know that). I realized how hard it is to see him sick, he’s always my rock and trust me that in the past 3 years I’ve needed a rock more times that I’d like to admit. His love and the love I have for him, is simply unexplainable to me.

 

Spring Break Fun

A few months ago Sue called and asked me what I would think of Brendan coming out Spring Break, of course I was beyond thrilled and agreed immediately. About a day later it dawned on me that I already planned to be in Michigan the first week of April and I wasn’t sure when his Spring Break was…of course his break was indeed the first week of April.

After trying to figure out how to make it work we decided to have B come out the Thursday before his break started and then fly back to Michigan with me. So the plan was in place and the arrangements were made.

Fast forward to last week when Sue and I were both a mess thinking about this kiddo flying alone for the first time. Sue was really the only one that deserved to be nervous after all he is her boy. I love that kid and worried about his safety, but I was beyond worried that I’d or the computer system would mess something up and that I wouldn’t get through security and he would be stuck at some gate in DIA and would hate me forever!

The great news is that everything went off perfectly. I picked him up and his Uncle Toben and I were ready to give B 5 incredible days with us. We made his favorite dinner, watched our Spartans make it to the Final Four, got some batting practice in, drove to the mountains, ate at O’Malley’s and soo much more. But, now we are at the airport getting ready to head to Michigan to spend the next 5 days with family and friends.

I’m not sure what I’ve done right in this world for God to bless me like He has, but I’ll take it. Leaving Brendan was one of the absolute hardest parts of leaving Michigan almost 3 years ago, but God knew my story was shifting and He has made our relationship even stronger with 1K miles between us.

So to B…thanks for coming to see your Tia. Thanks for still thinking I’m kinda cool, for wanting to snuggle and watch a movie at night, and for continuing to let me see what a real-life biblical size miracle looks like. To Sue, thanks for sacrificing yourself to share your incredible kid with Toben and I. We don’t take it lightly that you have entrusted him to us this week. We love you both soo much!!!

One Month Prayer Challenge

Over our 10 days away I found it more challenging than normal to get in and stay in the Word. That’s not an excuse, but simply the truth. However, one thing I ran across was an imag on Instagram with a challenge to go into 2019 pick 1 month of your choice to simply pray for someone else. This challenge encouraged the readers to not tell that person you were praying for them, but to be intentional about praying every every single day and to see what happens.

This led me to here and got me thinking about prayer and what is really means. So I started digging and found out that prayer or some form of that word is mentioned over 600 times in the Bible. I should point out that it all depends on the translation you are using NIV, KJV, CSB, the Message they are simply all different in the way they translate the original Hebrew & Greek.

Prayer in Hebrew simply means “interacting with God” this can be in asking for help or as an expression of thanks. Christian prayer however looks at prayer as a belief that God could be petitioned to intervene and effect change. After looking at the meaning(s) of prayer I look at Romans 8:26 in my top 3 favorite translations and settled on the translation (interpretation) from The Message.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get riled in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside healing us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and or us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. Tat’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love God is worked into something good.”

I mean can I get an AMEN?!?! Seriously, how amazing is it that part of our triune God in interceding for us 24/7!

Ok, so back to this challenge…it’s 12/31/18 here in Colorado and I’m offering up a challenge to all of my friends to pick a month and commit to it. Pray for your spouse, your kids, your parents, your significant other, or YOUR ENEMY. Yes I said your enemy! In Matthew 5:43-47 of The Message we read:

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.”

Are you ready? Are you in? Do you have someone in mind? I know I do…actually a couple people. I want my best to rise to the top, I don’t want to be a reason to point someone further away from God, but closer. Bring on 2019 because I’m ready

Christmas in Michigan

As I write this we are 1/2 way back from our journey to Michigan to be with my family. For years my brother and his family, our parents, and myself took turns hosting everyone. We would all stay the night at each other’s house and wake-up Christmas morning ready to share gifts, laughs, and food. I’ve not been able to do that for the past 2 Christmas’ and it’s been tough. I mean I’ve gone back both years, but it’s simply not the same.

So this year we made the decision we were going to spend Christmas in Michigan. It also meant we had to do Christmas with Toben’s family a week early, thankfully they understood and love us enough and made that happen. They are now off on their own adventure, but it means we won’t see them for awhile, I’m just glad we have FaceTime!

A few things have happened since I was last in Michigan for our family, the biggest change has been with my dads health. Does he still struggle a bit? Of course, but if you know or read any of the post I’ve made about him -it is literally night and day difference. I mean my gently giant of a father is speaking louder and more clearly than I’ve heard him in years. He’s walking taller, stronger, and with more courage and strength than I’ve seen in years. He has his smile back again…he DANCED with my momma on Christmas Eve. It might have something to do the fact we were watching Selina!

But  as my sister-in-law so tenderly put it, we were missing someone at the table again this year. I can’t believe it’s our 2nd Christmas without him. I look at Sue and Brendan and see in their eyes how much they wish he was next to them. I watch my parents and know they are missing a part of their soul. My family is still hurting…we are still grieving and there is nothing  anyone can do to fix it. Hell I still find myself in disbelief that he is actually gone. I mean Tony is my big brother, he was supposed to look out for me, he was only 43…he was too young. And we deeply miss him being with us.

Part of the beauty in being home this past week was saying his name out loud. I love hearing “Tony” this or “Dad” that, I simply love talking about him. Remembering him and remembering how much he loved his family!

So, here I am in this hotel room and can’t help but think back on this past week and finding myself smiling, crying, wishing I was back “home”, wishing I was already home, but trying to savor each of these moments of life.

Acknowledging My Fears

Do I really need surgery?

On December 13th I went in for what was a “simply & routine” surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I’ve been suffering from tummy issues for longer than I realized, but the onset of the worst issue started over 2 years ago. I think it all came to ahead on September 23rd while we were in Michigan awaiting my dad surgery that would save his life on the 24th. Late that night I started to not feel well and was overcome with the most intense pain ever. We had gotten to the point that Toben told me if I didn’t go to the ER that night that I had to promise him I would get in to see a specialist as soon as we got home.

Fast forward to last month, I was finally able to get in to see Dr. Meister. He was caring and took his time to listen to me. He told me that he believed it was my gallbladder and that I needed to get testing done ASAP. After my ultrasound his nurse called me and said I still needed to do the dye with contrast scan, but that my gallbladder is showing a number of stone and that I need to talk to my surgeon ASAP and get surgery scheduled. That brings us to last week as I was preparing for this simple and routine surgery.

Unspeakable fears

I’m not sure where my fears all came from, but I knew they were real and that I needed to tell Toben how much I loved him before it was too late. When I had surgery back in September, they had a very hard time with my breathing and keeping it regulated after I woke up. The last 2.5 months I’ve struggled with sinus infections, respiratory infections and my asthma. It was the absolute worst it has been in over 30 years. And if that wasn’t enough, there isn’t a day that I forget that my brother died when he was 43 and here I sit at 42, so I live with this fear and hope that I will see 44. I was completely convinced that I would stop breathing during this surgery and that Toben would be told that his wife didn’t make it.

There are a few things I know for sure about my life and that is, Toben & Emma need me as much as I need them, that my parents need me and couldn’t face the loss of another child, and that Sue and Brendan need me to be ok so we can walk this grief journey together. Knowing all of this didn’t calm my storm. I spent the 2 weeks before surgery living with this fear and afraid to speak the words out loud. It was important for me that Toben’s parents were with him at the hospital to hold his hand if the doctor gave him bad news.

Thankfully the night before surgery I faced my fears and became very transparent with Toben. He prayed for me, assured me that I would be ok, and listened to my heart. That gave me the courage to tell the doctors my fears and find comfort in knowing they heard me and would care for me. I came through the surgery and the first thing I thought of when my eyes opened, was that God was giving me another day with my love. And if that isn’t enough, my breathing is better than it has been in 3 months, the constant coughing I’ve lived with nearly ceased, my healing is happening and God is controlling each of these miracles.

Toben isn’t just my best friend, he is my constant companion, cheerleader, and caregiver. He loves me in a way that I didn’t know people loved each other. The way he has cared for me and demonstrated his love over these past few months if beyond what I deserve. I am proud to be his wife and life partner. Toben I love you and love being your forever girlfriend!

Choosing to Heal

365 days ago my brother and one of the incredible humans took his final breath. Every moment since then I have fought against grief, anger, questioning, and loss. Today, I’m choosing to allow the healing to begin.

The day Tony won his victory is forever etched into my mind and soul, there are days that I’d give anything to erase those memories, but the reality is that we saw something that was beautiful and just short of what we will experience when we meet our Savior. On that last day of his life here on earth Tony was unconscious and yet having conversations with someone. We jokes that he was talking to our Auntie Lynn and she welcomed him into heaven. But, I believe with my entire being that he was indeed being ushered in to meet his Father.

I know that he was sad to leave Sue, Brendan, our parents, myself, and so many others…but he wasn’t scared. HE WAS READY! I wasn’t, I’m still not but I’m ready to not live each day with this cloud of sadness that has followed me. You see Tony and I may have shared DNA but that seems pretty small in comparison to the fact we both made decision to serve the one and only God. He created us in His image and will one day reconcile this world and I will get to sing His praises for all of my days…right along with my precious brother!

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things^[a] have passed away.” Revelations 21:4

One of the men that spoke at Tony’s going home celebration said something that hit me in the gut, it was where I was living and I’ve repeated it many times over the past year “It is well with my soul, but not with my heart”. I’ll never be ok with Tony not being here, but I’m ready for my heart to be well again. I know I will still look into the eyes of his bride, his son, or our parents and cry for no reason…but tears aren’t bad and I will continue to let each one drop and know healing comes with each one.

“https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/5t0izTLPeWYLiIfHPJbORJ“>It Is Well“

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

Remembering Tony

As I write this I’m headed “home” to start the celebration of my brothers life as we approach the 1st anniversary of his victory over cancer and death. We are looking forward to having our 2nd annual Hinojosa Strong kayak trip. This time last year we all came together to fulfill one of Tony’s final request. It was a beautiful and sacred time together and worth every tear, every laugh, and every memory we made with him.

This year we will do this…but without Tony next to us.

I head there with so many mixed emotions. I don’t want to leave Toben and Emma for a full week, but I wouldn’t miss this week with my family for anything in the world. The timing of all of this is simply hard. Toben just got back from an incredible trip with his dad. I’m still recovering from surgery and still not sure if I can push through the pain to get into the water with the best family in the world. But, I get to stand side-by-side with Sue as we love, pour into, and celebrate Brendan’s 11th Birthday. 

I promised Tony last September that I will never let Sue do this alone and that I would be there for his son for the rest of my life. I intend on living out that promise.

Of course the rest of the week full of meetings, meeting with 4 different children ministry pastors, spending time with my mom and dad (again another major highlight of my week), and will end with a Tigers game. Unfortunately, my dad won’t be able to go with me and this will be the first year in more years than I can remember we won’t make our annual fathers/daughters trip, but I know we will have other adventures together. In fact I’m already planning a fun adventure for us at Christmas. 

No matter what other “things” I fill my day with through the next 7 days, underneath it all will be my brother. The bittersweet feelings of walking in and out of his house, spending time with his bride and son, and with our parents will be at the forefront of each day. 

I hate cancer. I hate that every trip to Grand Rapids reminds me of his death. I hate that my brother doesn’t answer his phone. I hate that we all have a hole that his life left.

But, there are so many more things that I love. I love that Tony McQueen beat cancer! I love that I have a place to go home to that Tony loved. I love that I can talk to him without a phone now. I love that the hole he left meant that he was here! No matter how much time passes I will never get over his death and I don’t want to. It reminds me of the greatness of God and how he is where I long to be one day. 

Tony you are missed terribly, I hope you know how much we love you and that we will continue to tell your stories, share your love, and live life in a way that would make you proud!!!

A Birthday Surprise He Will Never Forget

Today is an exciting day for me. It shouldn’t be abou me because today is Toben’s birthday, but I’m super excited. You see I made a decision a few months back that I wanted to take Toben on a little vacation for his birthday, even if it was just a long weekend. Well as ideas started to take form I realized what would make this trip super special would be not telling him where we are going.

For those that don’t know Toben he is a freak of nature packer. I mean he has traveling down to an art and likes to be packed at least 1-2 weeks in advance. I on the other hand tend to pack the night before or the day of and usually have to guess what clothes I may or may not have brought with me. So we agreed on a few things with this trip 1) I wouldn’t tell him where we were going until we got to the airport 2) I would let him pack for himself which meant he needed to know what type of clothes to pack.

We are currently somewhere in the air heading to Nashville where we will have a few hour layover. He still doesn’t know where he’s going, but he’s excited and therefore I’m excited. See, I told you I was making this about me! Right now I plan to record his reaction as we walk to our final gate and he finally realizes where we are going and I’ll record him again at the next few surprises because yes there is more!

To my husband, best friend, and love of my life I hope this is a time you will never forget. I love going on adventures with you and making memories. Happy Birthday Toben, may this be your best year yet!!!

Just Checking In

We are 15 months into our whirlwind of a marriage and working towards the next milestone…our 16 month anniversary! We work together and do almost everything in life together and yet sometime we struggle with connecting with each other. Work, family, sickness, grief, and life sometimes just get in the way.

I think one of the things I love most about Toben is that he makes sure that I never have to question his love for me or his deep desire to invest in us. He’s an incredible man, husband, and father and I need to learn to give back in a way that he deserves and that honors him.

Last night our 17 year old said “why don’t you two go out on a date”…wait what a date during the week! Needless to say we jumped on the chance and went to someplace we hadn’t been together and it couldn’t have been a more perfect date night. We laughed more than we have been able to in a few weeks, we ate incredible food, and we were able to check in with each other.

It’s encouraging and necessary for us as newlyweds to be able to continue to learn each other. For me it’s important that I learn to hear from Toben and find ways to respect him more each day. It’s important that I learn to communicate in a way that he’s able to hear and receive anything I’m sharing.

I’m excited that we are getting ready to start a new study on love and respect from a biblical perspective, this is just another piece that will help us be the best couple we can be. What I’ve realized that both Toben and I are quick to share our story and how God brought us together as a couple and how He has used our past to show us His great redemption. But, in order for us to continue to honor what God has done and is continuing to do in our lives we need to keep learning and growing in Him.

Toben you are my love and my life, I love you endlessly. I look forward to learning the ways I can honor and respect you, to laugh more with you, pray more with you, and praise God through all of it with you!

Just When You Think It Can’t Get Any Worse…It Does

I want to smile and I want to tell everyone that I’m ok. But, I’m not ok. In the past 2 years my brother found out he had stage 4 cancer that ultimately took his life. I moved 1/2 a country away to be with and marry Toben (the only shining part of these 2 years). And my dads health has been in a rapid spiral down for the greater portion of those 2 years. I’ve watched cancer and Parkinson’s take more from these 2 men that I love soo much that I can hardly breathe at times.

In the past 2 weeks my dad had been in a decline that my mind simply can’t fathom. His doctor refuses to even attempt to help him and the medical system is proving once again how broken it is. Thankfully he has an appt in 6 days with a new neurologist and I’m just praying for a glimmer of hope. I’m praying for strength for my mom as she is forced to makes really hard decisions about his long-term care.

But, I’m also angry that we still don’t have cures. I’m angry that our elderly still aren’t cared for in a way that honors and respects them as humans. I’m angry that I can’t call my brother to get his advice on what to do. In all of this anger I won’t let it define me. I will keep fighting. I will keep advocating for both of my parents.

And yes, while this very bad and cause my heart such incredible pain it’s not over. I still have God who loves me. I still believe God is writing my story as much as He is writing my dad and my moms story. I believe the coming days and weeks will be full of tears, crying out, and love and while I’m not ready for any of that I will do what I need to do in order to make sure my family is cared for and loved.

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for our family and please continue to lift us up.