Why Covid Brought Me Back

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since either of us have come on here to write and yet I’m totally owning the fact that I didn’t want to write either.

This past year has not been a fun one. And before you say it’s been bad for most of the country or the world I get that and don’t deny it, but 2020 has been a year that I wish I could start over and make different choices. Maybe if I did they my dad would still be here.

The summer of 2019 we had to put my dad into a nursing home due to his Parkinson’s it was no longer safe for him to walk around my parents house. It was a year ago this month that I went to see him for the first time in that place and will never forget the sounds of his cry when I had to leave. He didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want him there. Thankfully I was able to see him again in December of 2019, but that was the last time I was able to put my arms around my sweet daddy.

Covid hit the world right before I was going to head back home for a visit and his nursing home like all of them went into lockdown and he didn’t get to have contact with anyone that loved him. Thank the good lord above for his iPad and FaceTime because that was our near daily way to communicate for months. Until he lost his life like over 200,000 other Americans lost their lives to his horrible virus.

I can’t go into details about those last days (it’s simply too hard), but they were horrible for him and for those of us that love him soo much. On May 14th my sweet & beautiful daddy breathed his last breath and went home. He was finally reunited with Jesus, his beloved son, his mom & dad, his baby brother, and so many others he desperately missed. But my mom and I are now all that is left of our family of 4.

Sometimes I feel like I’m still living in this twilight space of did that just really happen to me and is this my real life. In 2.5 years I lost my brother and my dad…no one should suffer loss like this.

Fast forward to August when I found out that I was 1 of 40 people that was being laid off due to workforce reduction “Covid strikes again”. I can’t say that I’m sorry about that (well not for me but for my coworker I am), that I was surprised (I had already opted to move to part-time), or that I was even sad. I’m sad about missing my team, they were family to me and most of them still are. I love them and if they are reading this I want them to know I love them, miss them, and pray for them often.

In the middle of all of this Toben started a new job with a new company that he loves. I’m just so dang proud of the work he’s doing there and the way his cares for his work, his team, and their mission. This transition has allowed me to be a stay-at-home wife. This feels like the first piece of normalcy I have felt as a wife since we got married. I think I always had this vision of what it would look like to be married and staying home was one of those things.

So here I am. I’m at home & ready to write again. Ready to begin dreaming & creating.

It’s Been Awhile

I stopped writing. I didn’t stop because I didn’t like it…I stopped because an incredibly hateful woman decided to send me a message about something she knows nothing about and wished horrible things to my family. I immediately wanted to call her and speak to her face to face. The reality is anything online like this gives cowards courage that they would never have any other way…and quite frankly she doesn’t deserve my time or energy so this the last time I will write about her. Anything hate filled will be reported and I will block them.

Now onto better things. Since we last wrote there has been so much that has happened for our families. Graduations, sickness, job changes, more family here, another anniversary, and more blessings than we deserve. The summer has flown by and yesterday I was hit with the reality that time is ticking away before Toben and I have to drop E off for school and leave her in the care of someone else. Don’t get me wrong if anyone will succeed and thrive at school it is her, but these past 3 years of being a family together simply weren’t enough.

For now I want to cherish every moment we have. Life is simply too short to have to live with regrets, I wan to irrationally pursue happiness, joy, love, and grace.

 

 

 

Good Friday and the Hope it Bring

I’ve grew up in a family that went to church and celebrated Easter, but at almost 43 the death of Jesus, His resurrection, my repentance, and my restoration mean more than it ever has. The simple fact is that when my brother died it brought the reality of death, of the resurrection, and of where we can each spend our eternities to light. So as I’ve been approaching this week there have been a number of things running through my head that I simply couldn’t just let go, so here I am writing it out.

• What is Good Friday?
• Was this day written from the beginning of time?
• Why didn’t God answer Jesus?
• Why was the veil torn?

Spring Break Fun

A few months ago Sue called and asked me what I would think of Brendan coming out Spring Break, of course I was beyond thrilled and agreed immediately. About a day later it dawned on me that I already planned to be in Michigan the first week of April and I wasn’t sure when his Spring Break was…of course his break was indeed the first week of April.

After trying to figure out how to make it work we decided to have B come out the Thursday before his break started and then fly back to Michigan with me. So the plan was in place and the arrangements were made.

Fast forward to last week when Sue and I were both a mess thinking about this kiddo flying alone for the first time. Sue was really the only one that deserved to be nervous after all he is her boy. I love that kid and worried about his safety, but I was beyond worried that I’d or the computer system would mess something up and that I wouldn’t get through security and he would be stuck at some gate in DIA and would hate me forever!

The great news is that everything went off perfectly. I picked him up and his Uncle Toben and I were ready to give B 5 incredible days with us. We made his favorite dinner, watched our Spartans make it to the Final Four, got some batting practice in, drove to the mountains, ate at O’Malley’s and soo much more. But, now we are at the airport getting ready to head to Michigan to spend the next 5 days with family and friends.

I’m not sure what I’ve done right in this world for God to bless me like He has, but I’ll take it. Leaving Brendan was one of the absolute hardest parts of leaving Michigan almost 3 years ago, but God knew my story was shifting and He has made our relationship even stronger with 1K miles between us.

So to B…thanks for coming to see your Tia. Thanks for still thinking I’m kinda cool, for wanting to snuggle and watch a movie at night, and for continuing to let me see what a real-life biblical size miracle looks like. To Sue, thanks for sacrificing yourself to share your incredible kid with Toben and I. We don’t take it lightly that you have entrusted him to us this week. We love you both soo much!!!

The Love of a Good Woman

I have low self confidence.  But that hasn’t always been the case.  I used to be confident.  In fact I was over-confident.  Arrogant to be exact.  But then a couple of relationships and the stuff of life beat that all out of me.  For the last 10 years my confidence has been shot.  I just assume that I will fail.  I assume that I’m not good enough, that I won’t measure up.

But all of that is changing.  After a decade of beat-downs, I have Jamie in my corner.  And she constantly surprises me with her encouragement and support.  Going through tough stuff now feels so different, but much like a dog who has been hit, I tend to flinch when the self doubt creeps in and I talk about it with her.  But without fail she is supportive of me, tells me that things are going to be alright and points out my negative self-talk.

I can’t tell you how good and right and healthy that feels.  I have been in sick situations that robbed me of so much. When Jamie builds me up, even when I am tearing myself down is like medicine.  I have to admit that I’m not always good about taking the medicine–my self doubt is pretty powerful. But I can feel things turning around.  And I like it!

The love of a good woman changes everything.

Anticipation

I am becoming aware of how much I need a sense of anticipation in my life.  I need something to look forward to.  I find that if something is parked out there in front of me it makes every day a little better. Sometimes it’s something big like a trip.  Sometimes it is something small like looking forward to a date night or to the weekend.

I am anticipating going to a concert with Emma in a few weeks.  I saw Saves the Day almost 20 years ago when the band members were still in high school.  The show was amazing! I remember it to this day.  I introduced Emma to the band a while back and she loved them.  So for Christmas she used her own money to buy us tickets to see them in Denver.  I am so pumped to see them again after all these years and to share this experience with Emma.

We have a family trip planned next month to visit Emma’s college of choice. While we are there Emma will be competing for a full ride scholarship.  I am excited to see the campus and where Emma will be living the next 4 years.  I am excited for Jamie to see it too.  And I am excited for Emma to have a shot at a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of education. I am so looking forward to this.

The thing I am most looking forward to is celebrating our second wedding anniversary! Jamie has made arrangements for us to head to Vail for a couple of nights. We have such fond memories of Vail–it was one of the fist places we got away to after Jamie moved to Colorado.  I can’t believe that we are already at two years.  I remember our wedding like it just happened. But the reality is that we have had some life together now and it just keeps getting better.  And honestly I can’t think of anything better then getting away to celebrate for a few days in a place we love so much.

Yes, there are other cool things out ahead of me.  Summer is coming which means weekends spent by the pool.  I love that. And we will head back to Michigan to celebrate Emma’s graduation with friends and family.  Emma will go off to college in the fall and we will celebrate that, even though we will miss her.  And then we will be empty nesters and a whole new chapter will open up for Jamie and I.

So much to look forward to!

 

 

Cry Like a Man

Last January Toben and two other folks from our editorial team made the journey to Detroit in the freezing cold to meet a man that would change all of our lives. Jason Wilson is an African-American man that has a heart for helping all men break free from the emotional incarceration that many have grown up with and are held hostage to this day because of it. He and his wife also started The Cave of  Adullum that serves young boys in the city of Detroit.

I was excited about the fact that Cook wanted to publish a book with Jason, but I was even more excited that the work he and Nicole are doing hits so close to my heart. Well here we are sitting at the airport as we get ready to head back to Detroit (but this time together) to celebrate Jason’s new book Cry Like a Man. I can’t express enough how impactful this book has been to my work and personal life. I’ve been asked if this book is good for women as well as man. My simple answer is “If you have a man or a boy in your life that you love and want to understand and see thrive, then read this book”.

So tonight we will gather downtown Detroit with a couple hundred other people to celebrate, listen, and learn from not only Jason, but a number of other folks as well. Including Van Lathan from TMZ who some may not know, but I have been a huge fan since the day he went head-to-head with Kanye West when West have the nerve to say “Salvary was a choice”.

I love the fact that Toben and I get to make this trip together to celebrate Jason, celebrate his book, and see how the past year of work is changing lives across the world. All of this should be enough for me, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crazy happy to know that I’ll get to see my mom and dad for brunch tomorrow. It would have been sad to go all the way to Michigan without seeing my parents.

So here’s to a 24 hour trip with my best friend, my man and the love of my life!

 

One Month Prayer Challenge

Over our 10 days away I found it more challenging than normal to get in and stay in the Word. That’s not an excuse, but simply the truth. However, one thing I ran across was an imag on Instagram with a challenge to go into 2019 pick 1 month of your choice to simply pray for someone else. This challenge encouraged the readers to not tell that person you were praying for them, but to be intentional about praying every every single day and to see what happens.

This led me to here and got me thinking about prayer and what is really means. So I started digging and found out that prayer or some form of that word is mentioned over 600 times in the Bible. I should point out that it all depends on the translation you are using NIV, KJV, CSB, the Message they are simply all different in the way they translate the original Hebrew & Greek.

Prayer in Hebrew simply means “interacting with God” this can be in asking for help or as an expression of thanks. Christian prayer however looks at prayer as a belief that God could be petitioned to intervene and effect change. After looking at the meaning(s) of prayer I look at Romans 8:26 in my top 3 favorite translations and settled on the translation (interpretation) from The Message.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get riled in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside healing us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and or us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. Tat’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love God is worked into something good.”

I mean can I get an AMEN?!?! Seriously, how amazing is it that part of our triune God in interceding for us 24/7!

Ok, so back to this challenge…it’s 12/31/18 here in Colorado and I’m offering up a challenge to all of my friends to pick a month and commit to it. Pray for your spouse, your kids, your parents, your significant other, or YOUR ENEMY. Yes I said your enemy! In Matthew 5:43-47 of The Message we read:

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.”

Are you ready? Are you in? Do you have someone in mind? I know I do…actually a couple people. I want my best to rise to the top, I don’t want to be a reason to point someone further away from God, but closer. Bring on 2019 because I’m ready

Christmas in Michigan

As I write this we are 1/2 way back from our journey to Michigan to be with my family. For years my brother and his family, our parents, and myself took turns hosting everyone. We would all stay the night at each other’s house and wake-up Christmas morning ready to share gifts, laughs, and food. I’ve not been able to do that for the past 2 Christmas’ and it’s been tough. I mean I’ve gone back both years, but it’s simply not the same.

So this year we made the decision we were going to spend Christmas in Michigan. It also meant we had to do Christmas with Toben’s family a week early, thankfully they understood and love us enough and made that happen. They are now off on their own adventure, but it means we won’t see them for awhile, I’m just glad we have FaceTime!

A few things have happened since I was last in Michigan for our family, the biggest change has been with my dads health. Does he still struggle a bit? Of course, but if you know or read any of the post I’ve made about him -it is literally night and day difference. I mean my gently giant of a father is speaking louder and more clearly than I’ve heard him in years. He’s walking taller, stronger, and with more courage and strength than I’ve seen in years. He has his smile back again…he DANCED with my momma on Christmas Eve. It might have something to do the fact we were watching Selina!

But  as my sister-in-law so tenderly put it, we were missing someone at the table again this year. I can’t believe it’s our 2nd Christmas without him. I look at Sue and Brendan and see in their eyes how much they wish he was next to them. I watch my parents and know they are missing a part of their soul. My family is still hurting…we are still grieving and there is nothing  anyone can do to fix it. Hell I still find myself in disbelief that he is actually gone. I mean Tony is my big brother, he was supposed to look out for me, he was only 43…he was too young. And we deeply miss him being with us.

Part of the beauty in being home this past week was saying his name out loud. I love hearing “Tony” this or “Dad” that, I simply love talking about him. Remembering him and remembering how much he loved his family!

So, here I am in this hotel room and can’t help but think back on this past week and finding myself smiling, crying, wishing I was back “home”, wishing I was already home, but trying to savor each of these moments of life.

Acknowledging My Fears

Do I really need surgery?

On December 13th I went in for what was a “simply & routine” surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I’ve been suffering from tummy issues for longer than I realized, but the onset of the worst issue started over 2 years ago. I think it all came to ahead on September 23rd while we were in Michigan awaiting my dad surgery that would save his life on the 24th. Late that night I started to not feel well and was overcome with the most intense pain ever. We had gotten to the point that Toben told me if I didn’t go to the ER that night that I had to promise him I would get in to see a specialist as soon as we got home.

Fast forward to last month, I was finally able to get in to see Dr. Meister. He was caring and took his time to listen to me. He told me that he believed it was my gallbladder and that I needed to get testing done ASAP. After my ultrasound his nurse called me and said I still needed to do the dye with contrast scan, but that my gallbladder is showing a number of stone and that I need to talk to my surgeon ASAP and get surgery scheduled. That brings us to last week as I was preparing for this simple and routine surgery.

Unspeakable fears

I’m not sure where my fears all came from, but I knew they were real and that I needed to tell Toben how much I loved him before it was too late. When I had surgery back in September, they had a very hard time with my breathing and keeping it regulated after I woke up. The last 2.5 months I’ve struggled with sinus infections, respiratory infections and my asthma. It was the absolute worst it has been in over 30 years. And if that wasn’t enough, there isn’t a day that I forget that my brother died when he was 43 and here I sit at 42, so I live with this fear and hope that I will see 44. I was completely convinced that I would stop breathing during this surgery and that Toben would be told that his wife didn’t make it.

There are a few things I know for sure about my life and that is, Toben & Emma need me as much as I need them, that my parents need me and couldn’t face the loss of another child, and that Sue and Brendan need me to be ok so we can walk this grief journey together. Knowing all of this didn’t calm my storm. I spent the 2 weeks before surgery living with this fear and afraid to speak the words out loud. It was important for me that Toben’s parents were with him at the hospital to hold his hand if the doctor gave him bad news.

Thankfully the night before surgery I faced my fears and became very transparent with Toben. He prayed for me, assured me that I would be ok, and listened to my heart. That gave me the courage to tell the doctors my fears and find comfort in knowing they heard me and would care for me. I came through the surgery and the first thing I thought of when my eyes opened, was that God was giving me another day with my love. And if that isn’t enough, my breathing is better than it has been in 3 months, the constant coughing I’ve lived with nearly ceased, my healing is happening and God is controlling each of these miracles.

Toben isn’t just my best friend, he is my constant companion, cheerleader, and caregiver. He loves me in a way that I didn’t know people loved each other. The way he has cared for me and demonstrated his love over these past few months if beyond what I deserve. I am proud to be his wife and life partner. Toben I love you and love being your forever girlfriend!